28 Life Or Death Rules For Living With A Runner

1. Don’t call it jogging.

2. There will always be muddy shoes and sweaty kit around – possibly for days, probably not in the shoe rack and laundry basket.

3. Running shoes cost about the same as that weekend break you were hoping for. Don’t be surprised which one they choose to spend their money on.

4. Of course they need lots of pairs of running shoes! Haven’t you got different outfits for different occasions?

5. The more expensive the running shoes, the less likely they are to get injured (they will tell you) – and you don’t want them to get injured (see 9.)

6. Always have lots of food in the house and, if in doubt, over-cater.

7. You may have to wait a bit longer for that cosy night in on the sofa, if they haven’t managed to fit a run in earlier that day.

8. If they haven’t run, they will be grumpy. Which would you prefer – an evening of end-to-end grumpiness or a bit (OK, a lot – see 10) less time with them?

9. If they are injured and can’t run, best go away on holiday on your own for as long as you possibly can.

10. They will always be out for longer than advertised – the “hour’s run” they tell you about will be preceded by changing, stretching, checking the schedule, making sure all their gadgets are working, and a certain amount of faffing about (don’t for goodness’ sake say, “Are you sure you really want to do this?”), it may itself be extended (“thought I’d do some extra hills”), and will be followed by the warm-down, more stretching, a drink, an interminable time on something called a foam roller, a shower and then lots of painstaking record-checking, running log compiling and social media sharing.

11. Write off Sunday mornings.

12. Race day will be a nightmare. Accept it. The “not a morning person” that you are used to will be transformed into this focused, intense, Type A psychopath. They will be so tense, you would think that they were entering some sort of Hunger Games or Death Race 2000 instead of the local 10km..

13. You will not say the right thing. “Just enjoy it,” is the wrong thing. “I’m sure you’ll do well,” is better but still not great. And, especially on race day, “Are you really sure you want to do this?” is grounds for the immediate cessation of the relationship.

14. During the event, if you are unlucky enough to encounter them out on the course, you will definitely not say the right thing. “Looking good,” “Not far now,” “Your team-mate’s just ahead,” are all woefully inadequate and potentially explosive.

15. Afterwards, you cannot possibly say the right thing. If they’ve had a good race, they’ll be incredibly irritating, and you won’t be able to praise their time or position highly enough (“You just don’t get what this means to me, do you?”) And if they haven’t, ……. well, just hope they have had a good race.

16. If you ever make the mistake of volunteering to support them in a long event, expect them never to be where you think they should be (or where they’ve said they would be – “Where on earth have you been?” tends not to go down too well in these circumstances), for you always to have the wrong drink/food/pair of socks/change of t-shirt ready for them, and 14 still applies, but even more so. You are unlikely to live for very long after saying, “You look awful. Why don’t you stop now?”

17. In the middle of races or runs, don’t expect intelligent answers to your intelligent questions about what they want. A grunt is all you can expect. And you better interpret it correctly.

18. At the end, all you can do is ask them how it went – and then write off the next several hours as you receive a blow-by-blow account that makes the Terms and Conditions on your average bank account look like they were dashed off by an impatient apprentice who’s late for the pub.

19. Try not to interrupt. What you optimistically perceive to be the end of the story will turn out to be the bit where they pause briefly for breath and say, “And then, in the second mile………….”

20. Don’t say, “Not Chariots of Fire again, love!”

21. Unless you actually have an eight-lane tartan track or cross-country course in your back garden, do not ask them to spend more time with you at home.

22. Holiday destinations will be chosen for their suitable running weather, running locations and range of running-related facilities. And you will probably find that there just happens to be a race on in the next town the weekend you are there.

23. Always, and especially at the start of the relationship, try and avoid saying things like, “How many miles is the marathon you’re doing?” or “But you went out yesterday,” or “That team-mate of yours has nice thighs,” or “Can’t you have dinner with me first?”

24. If you ever have to touch or, lord help you, wash their kit, act as if you were restoring the Mona Lisa. Runners don’t agree with capital punishment for many sins, but shrinking the club vest, or taking all the colour out of their favourite race t-shirt, are two of them.

25. If you happen to see their personal bests online, it’s not a good idea to say, “That team-mate of yours, you know, the one with the nice thighs, is two minutes faster than you.”

26. Should you come to the end of your tether and decide on a “can’t beat them, join them” approach, do NOT, under any circumstances, be faster than they are.

27. Never, ever, ask them to choose between running and you. There’s always that person down the running club who understands them so much better than you do AND has nice thighs.

28. Oh, and don’t call it jogging………